This friend of mine adopted the role of making me laugh every.single.day this summer. How she knew that I would need this I've no idea. I need the laughs more than I ever have and cannot figure out exactly why.
Nothing's gone wrong this summer, and, yet, nothing's gone right.
The kid-let staying out of town provides me with a great deal of time to think, which in my mind feels both good and bad. It also allows me to not do. Not cook, not stress, not worry about him or his needs - to focus on myself and my needs. The concept is so incredibly foreign to me I can't really explain it.
The ups and downs of being single and living alone shock me. I can really go outside after 6pm. I can go to a movie or to a concert or sit in my underwear and do absolutely nothing. Really? The liberation overwhelms me and then I feel angry. An intense overpowering anger at my ex, who I genuinely like.
He's had the options to do any and all of that for 3 years now. All the time. All the nights that I make dinner, do homework, give my son a bath, shelp 5 bags of groceries up 4 flights of stair, wipe away tears (my own and my son's) add up to one thing now that I'm not doing all of that: I'm jealous and pissed. Why do I have to do this all alone? And more than that, I'm all alone now.
No amount of shrimp scampi, zuni chicken, or corn salad changes the fact that I'm angry. For the first time, I realize I'm not angry at myself. I'm really angry at the chef for failing in so many ways. For not making good on the promises, for just being an ass.
Anyhoo - I'm not cooking because food doesn't taste very good infused with anger.
It's going to be a long end of summer with me simmering like this.