It's official, I'm back from the Islands - looking a bit tan and very relaxed. The relaxation lasted all of 20 minutes and then every anxiety I've ever experienced came rushing back to me, all at once, at two in the morning, with no warning. Also, I returned to my formerly beloved blackberry. I kept a bit of tan for the time being.
However, I adored my vacation; absolutely loved being so isolated, with no phone, no computer, no TV, and very little human contact. The Big Island is lush, dry, lonely, desolate, and lovely. My adoration rushed upon me completely unexpected.
I found myself thinking that things in my day-to-day life might need some moderate-to-major changes in order to right myself back into some semblance of happiness. I didn't realize, until I sat sobbing in a ladies room stall at the Honolulu Airport, that I don't like my life the way it is. Quite a realization in an airport bathroom.
For the first time, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could walk away from all of the this that makes my daily life so unbearable: the stress, the chaos, the 60+ hour work week, the hustle and bustle that I usually crave.
Driving off in my jeep, which I fell madly in love with, to the middle of nowhere seemed like a great plan sitting in that bathroom stall. Giving up my identity and simply disappearing became a feasible idea in that one moment.
Granted, I shook it off and came home.
Shrug! Big Sigh!
I pulled it together and boarded the long flight home.
Thinking now, sitting in the middle of my messy, messy life, that running away won't solve anything. However, I am resolute that some stuff must change. The crap that I've been willing to put up with, I'm just not going to anymore.
I've always said, to myself and to my son, when you're going through hell - keep going. Don't stop to look around, don't chit chat on your way out, just move your ass and keep going. I think part of the misery I'm experiencing relates to the economy, the fact that we're coming out of bad weather, and that there might be lay offs in my job life. I don't think it's going to be me, but stranger things have happened. In these times, I find myself thinking negative thoughts about all the decisions I've made, the things I've done, and the people around me. I wonder if I could do things different, if I should, if I'm making the right choices for myself and my boy. Or am I just stumbling along with the wrong walking stick?
In reality, probably a mixture of both and all. In any event, the best thing for everyone (including myself) is to keep calm and carry on and eat well, which if you've been to Hawaii you know is very difficult to do.
Instead of giving a recipe here, I recommend that everyone kiss a loved one, enjoy the moment, sit with yourself and know that life is what happens when we're all out planning the life we think we want.
Eh, have a cocktail from my vacation.
Prosecco or Sparkling Wine
Pour a bit of the syrup into a champagne glass, top with the bubbly of your choice. Drink and think of warm tropical breezes.
Mahalo for staying with me,